Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Away in a Manger always makes me cry...




I lost my first little boy at the end of October. He had been due on the 8th December, I had been told all through my pregnancy "Oh, a Christmas baby!"
So of course Christmas brought on strong emotions and lots of tears.

Even now, eleven years later, I cry when I am standing in church and singing Away in a Manger, or more precisely when I sing the last verse :
"Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care."

When I was in hospital and my son was in a cooler room next door, and each time I had visited his grave and was coming back home, I had the feeling that I was leaving him alone, a little baby without his mummy. I should have been taking care of him but I wasn't.

Yesterday night we were watching last year's Christmas episode of Doctor Who, a really nice story about how strong a mother is for her children and how she always looks after them, how a mother cares. In this story the children got lost in a forest with the Doctor and of course there is danger.They say that Mummy will come, she always comes.
My little boy went so far away from me and I couldn't go to him to bring him back. Even when he was still in my tummy and I felt something was wrong, he was actually very far away already and I couldn't go to him.
And I so wanted to go to him... Grief then was like a craving almost as strong as the need to breath, and I couldn't breath. So it hurt, so I cried, and I still cry when I'm reminded of it.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Presents for Him - what I've done so far

A portrait of our son.



Wipes for spectacles with drawings of our children emboridered on them. I really like these. They are so easy to make and so sweet.

"Grinch pills" with handmade label. I like my label better than the one I'd seen on Pinterest!

And now I have a bit less than a week to make the sofa caddy !!!

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Take a knife to it ?

I have been somewhat neglecting my blog these past months... The thing is, I am training as a breastfeeding counsellor with the NCT and a change of the university which validates the diploma has meant that dead lines have suddenly been zooming towards me at an alarming speed!
 In short I have been busy writing assignments and found myself with no room for blogging.

I don't know how you write your blog, but personally I need to find a thought, taste it, chew it, ponder it, turn it round and round in my head, until I can put it in a post. It's a bit the same when I write an essay, I think about my subject, I research, I taste the ideas, etc. So while I have been concocting essays in my head, there wasn't much room for blog posts... It sounds a bit pathetic - small head I have - but there you go.

So it's only fair that this part of my life feeds my blogging today... One of my last assignment was about developping my role as a breastfeeding counsellor in the future. And frankly, at first, I just wanted to say 'I'm not even qualified yet, give me a break!' But write it I must so I chose to talk about the role of doula, or birth companion. Birth is after all a fairly important factor in the initation of breastfeeding.

Anyway, I researched what the work of a doula is about and found out lots of very interesting things, until I came to 'challenges and issues' which was one of the topics I had to develop in my essay.

Now if you read my blog you might know that I lost two baby boys at 32 weeks of pregnancy. My first baby, 11 years ago, and my fourth baby, 5 years ago. I know that, as a breastfeeding counsellor, I might work with parents who have lost a baby and I'm fine with that. I even think, feel, that my experience could be useful to others.

But what if I became a doula and met... myself ? What if I talked to a mother, in the last stage of pregnancy, got to know her and planned with her the birth she would like, and then one day she would call me, distraught, because she's been told that her baby's heart has stopped and she needs me to be with her for the birth...

When I lost my first baby I was so shocked and distressed that my first thoughts were to just get rid of my bump as fast as possible. Then, as I was induced, I took refuge in fantasies about my baby still being alive, his heart beating only very weakly. The doctors would realise it at the birth and they would save him...

Before the birth I didn't know if I wanted to see him. I was scared of what I could see... But when the midwife took him in her arms and looked at him with love and exclaimed "Oh, he's beautiful!" Of course I wanted to see him, and he was beautiful indeed. That midwife gave me such a precious, incommensurable gift. Would I be able to do the same gift to another mother ?

I would need to work on my own experience and as jagged as was the wound, it's healed fairly well now. The scar still hurts sometimes but I can bear it. I would have to take a surgical knife to it to open the wound again and go poking into it, have a good lookk around, then do a neat suture.

Can I ? Could you ?